i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
