on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
