I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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