I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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