well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
