I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
please come you make the beer taste better
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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