I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
