thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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