tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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