Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
God, I missed his penis.
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