Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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