Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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