woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
