two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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