You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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