A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
