His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
