he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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