My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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