i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
