his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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