She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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