I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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