Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
