I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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