when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
