ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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