I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
