put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
