turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
