the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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