i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
