he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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