I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
