She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't deserve a penis
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
