I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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