I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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