I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
