i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
