I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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