Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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