I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dear god my vagina.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
