is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
