apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
