How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
