its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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