Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
