Umm I'm too high to move.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
