Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I need to stop coming to work sober
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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