why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
