Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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