I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
