And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
