put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
