remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
