i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
